By nature, I am not a “joiner.” I’ll support from a distance, but unbridled commitment to a cause or movement makes me jittery. Yes, I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes, so shut the f*** up.
My therapist observed that I’ve talked about two opposing desires—the desire to find belonging but also to withdraw and secure my individuality.
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If the Orlando murders teach us anything, it’s that life is too short for bullshit like that.
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There’s a deeply twisted part of me that enjoys holding on to past hurts—my parents, my college choir director, Seth, Matt the bisexual tree scientist.
I recite my litany of their wrongs, like Orual in C. Lewis’ , because hating them gives me purpose; and like Miss Havisham, I’ve locked myself away in an inner mansion of emotional distance where I can’t be hurt.
That’s a tall order after spending ten years violently pushing down your attractions to cute guys so you don’t out yourself.
This differs from internalized homophobia, I think, because I’m not ashamed of being gay.